How to get the bartender to hate you

People like to complain.  They get told "no" all week long so when the weekend comes they all want to relax and unwind.  And they want their night out to be perfect.  Some people's expectations are far too high.  I believe that some set their expectations so high so as to never have to tip.  If they have something to complain about, they have justification for being cheap.  One woman last week took the art of complaining to a whole new level.

She ordered a bottle of beer and asked for a glass to go with it.  We have the beer that she ordered on tap, but bottles are cheaper. My first red flag.  She managed to choke the beer down and when she ordered her second she told me she wanted an "icy" glass this time - that first beer was completely warm.  Here's a tip - if something is wrong with your food or with your drink: tell your server right away.  Don't eat half of it and then complain because it is too late to do anything about it.  The server will think you are lying and you will be stuck with something you didn't enjoy.  Back to the warm beer.  Unfortunately our freezer that holds the mugs and martini glasses was broken that night.  She took this as a personal attack on her as if I personally broke the cooler the moment I saw her walk down the stairs.  She was disgusted - I knew this because she made a snorting sound at me as she crinkled up her face and turned away from me as she said, "Make sure the next bottle is at least cold then."  I nearly laughed right at the back of her head - who was she kidding with this attitude?!?  I was pretty sure she was not anyone famous or any world hero.  Celebrities rarely wear denim jackets and have perms.

When I told the bartender he needed to dig deep and get a "cold" beer (because we pride ourselves on serving delicious warm beer) he responded with the reason I am able to stay sane.  He grabbed a champagne bucket, filled it with ice and stuck a beer in it.  We laughed about it, and I seriously debated on taking it to the table.  A person with a sense of humor would have thought this was funny and it would have improved my tip. This lady would have created a scene and called me rude.  The regulars sitting at the bar wanted to know what was going on, so I told them what and how the lady had talked to me.

Now you notice that while I was complaining, mocking, and goofing around, I wasn't grabbing the beer out of the cooler, popping it open and bringing it to her table.  Her intention had the opposite result.  She thought that if she made herself out to be someone who should not be messed with, she would get me to jump at her every request.  But in fact, I didn't work harder to make her happy, I gave her my worst effort.  She moved herself to the bottom of my priority list.  If you want good service, making nice rather than making demands will get you farther.

I brought the beer, and asked her in my fake concerned voice if that beer was any better.  She made a face, sighed, and said it would have to do.  The couple decided that I had addressed her concerns so they would have to move the bar and terrorize the bartender.  Now the bartender has listened to me complain about countless tables and my perception of them, so he assumed there was an element of exaggeration of my impersonation.  She asked him for a tiny cup so he handed her a 1 ounce shot glass.  She snapped, "Not that small!" at him with a snarl on her face.  He actually jumped when she spoke to him because he didn't expect that reaction from her.  It suddenly clicked that this was the woman I told him about.  The guy that was with her ordered a Busch Light and the bartender suggested she try one of those since there was the arrow that tells you if the beer is cold.  She cocked her head to the side and informed him that it wasn't an arrow on the bottle as if he had just told her that he pooped rainbows when he ate chicken.

It is times like this that I could freeze time and talk to this woman.  I was dying to know why she was in such a bad mood.  The guy with her was really friendly and nice and seemed to not even notice her tone.  This led me to believe that this was not a mood but a character trait.  What I wanted to know most of all is how often she felt she got "bad" service.  I bet she would perceive that she always gets bad service.  When you are completely unpleasant and complain, it makes it very difficult to go that extra mile.  What is that extra mile? I overheard a girl say she had a headache so I brought her a bottle of ibuprofen from the bar with a water.  I heard 2 girls talking about how the one girl's boyfriend broke up with her, so I brought them a free shot.  Someone asks me nicely if they can move the tables for their party and I will get the bouncers to bring in extra tables and set up the whole thing from them.  If you are rude, you can move the tables yourself, and if you need more, I'm afraid I'll just shrug and say I'll see what I can do (which means I am going to forget about you as soon as I walk away). 

I am not saying that there are times when you shouldn't complain.  People make mistakes.  It is so much more how you say something than what you say.  If you beer is warm and you would like a colder one just shrug apologetically and say, "I'm not trying to be difficult but this is really warm, is it possible to get a colder one?"  That will most likely get what you want.  If you feel like your weekend out is only measured as a success by complaining to the manager and getting something for free, please stay the hell away from me. 

RULE: If you have to complain, choose your words, your tone, and body language carefully, it can get you a great night out.

How to be a Horrible Friend

There are rules in life. Some rules will get you put in jail, some, like facing the back of an elevator, will just get you a raised eyebrow.  Some things you don't know are wrong unless someone tells you.  For instance, it is weird and creepy to ask someone whom you just met their last name so you can send them a friend request on Facebook while you're talking to them.  However, it's completely okay to ask what some one's twitter name is so you can follow them and do it while they are right in front of you. 

People break what I would consider "rules" in a bar all the time.  Normally, I don't tell people that they are doing something wrong but this time, I couldn't let it go.  And I was antagonized.  Here's the story:

A group of 12 people were celebrating a girl's birthday.  A guy on the end of the table ordered 6 depth charger shots.  He was running a tab but told me, "Don't put those on my tab."  I gave him a quizzical look and he just repeated himself, "Don't put them all of my tab."  Hmmm.  Ok.  Trying to think the best of people, I thought maybe he was going to pay cash for them.  He can't possibly be asking what I think he's asking. 

When I brought the shots back he instructed me to pass out the shots and I again broached the subject of payment.  One couple had a tab and the guy said, "Put our 2 on our tab."  Okay, two down.  What about the other 4?  Here is my exact response to what he told me. Word for word.

"You want me to ask each of these people for $6 to pay for a shot that YOU ordered?!?!"  This was my subtle way of hinting at him that he was a complete asshole and this is simply not done.  If you order shots - you pay for them.  Especially if you are a guy!  Women often each pay for their own shots but they have to have a 15 minute discussion amongst themselves to verify any specials, approve the shot choice, and count and recount how many actually want the shot.  It's annoying, but it's okay.  You don't order shots for other people and then expect THEM to pay for it.  "Hey I wanna order everyone in the bar a shot! Oh, but I don't want to pay for them." "Get that beautiful girl across the bar a shot! Put it on HER tab!"

After I gave the guy my best disdainful look, his friend beside him asked what was going on.  Shot Guy starts having a conversation with him as if I'm not standing expectantly inches away from him, about ME.  "For some reason she is really pissed off that I won't buy all these shots." 

I felt the need to interrupt. "Whoa! Stop right there. I'm not pissed off at all.  I'm trying to make you understand that what you're asking is not right.  You want me to ask the birthday girl to pay for a shot YOU ordered for her."  I raised my eyebrows in a do-you-get-it-now expression.  His response: "Ok. Put hers on my tab."  I wanted to throw my arms up in exasperation.  This guy was not going to get it.  Fine. He has the social skills of a melon.  Nothing I can do. 

But you can learn from the Shot Asshole.  RULE: If you order shots for people who are unaware that you are ordering them, you MUST pay for them.